DEADLY DEPRESSION

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During the flight, I frequently got overwhelmed by flashes of memories of my parents. My heart was filled with immense pain and regret. Sometimes, the shock of the pain was so sudden and deep that I became totally numb. Shockingly, however, not a single drop of tear rolled down my face.

Muskaan came to pick me up at the airport; on the way to Manali, we did not speak to each other. Without uttering a single word, she could somehow feel my profound shock and pain. After reaching home, I saw the dead bodies of my parents set on the floor. My neighbours, relatives and friends tried their best to sympathize and console me. However, the more they felt sorry for me, the more agitated I got and finally my emotional outburst took place in a very absurd manner.

I picked up the mortal remains of my parents and kept them on their bed in the room. Then I started talking to them as if they were still alive. Everybody got confounded and shocked to see such bizarre behaviour on my part.

Finally, my madness was stopped by a slap from Muskaan. She imperviously directed me to keep the dead bodies back to their original position. Embarrassed and shaken, I brought the bodies back to where they were and sat quietly in the corner of the room.

Later in the evening, standing in front of the burning pyres after the funeral rituals, I was engulfed into a state of unfathomable darkness and depression. When I came back home, Muskaan could feel my repressed volcano of pain; so she immediately asked me to come with her. She took me to the accident site and showed me our severely damaged and mangled family car.

Why have you brought me here?

To tell you the truth.

What do you mean?

Do you know that when the car went off the cliff due to the brake fail, your father died immediately of brain injury, but your mother was alive for about half an hour?

In her last moments, somehow, she mustered the strength to call you twice?

To hear your voice was her last wish; but you did not pick up her call in your busy lifestyle. I guess at that time, you must have been enjoying life with your friends, right?

Enough Muskaan – Stop it!

I do not want to listen anymore, and suddenly I collapsed on my feet. I started screaming and yelling like a defeated warrior in the battle of life. Instead of consoling me, Muskaan left me alone so that I could plunge deep in my breakdown and realize my inexcusable mistake.

After my emotional outburst, two questions exploded in my head and I realized that I could not move ahead without exploring them. In that moment of deep agony and regret, I promised myself that I will not immerse the ashes of my parents in Ganga till I got answers to these questions.

What is the reality of death?

Who Am I?

Early morning the next day, I collected the ashes from the cremation ground and returned home. I kept the ashes in my parent’s bedroom. My relatives suggested me to go to Haridwar to immerse the ashes in holy Ganga as per Hindu traditions, but I rudely postponed this ritual. Angered at my rigid and stubborn approach, they all left the same day enraged and frustrated.

The same evening, I mailed my resignation to my Manager and asked my close friend Kunal Dhatavkar to vacate my rented apartment and sell the furniture and other possessions and donate the money to a nearby old age home.

With each passing day, my loneliness and depression started driving me mad. I confined myself in my own house and refused to interact with anybody. Memories of my parents started haunting me in my dreams now. Lost and lonely, I started drinking heavily to forget myself.

My search became really intense and for two months, I used to sleep for just two or three hours. I started reading continuously religious books and surfing spiritual videos online; but this search through books & videos did not resolve my burning questions and my mental state was like a boat on dry land.

One may read thousands and thousands of books on love but this knowledge will not give him real taste of love. In order to know love, one needs to fall in love oneself.

I realized that truth is like love; it cannot be expressed through words. It can only be felt in the silence of our heart.

I may theoretically know everything about swimming, like butterfly stroke, breast stroke, back stroke, etc. but when I am actually thrown in water with theoretical knowledge only, I am bound to drown until and unless I learn the practical rules of swimming on my own.

I may read all the books on universal truth but that won’t reveal me the Truth. I need to walk on my path on my own, all alone, till the time I saw my inner real nature with my own eyes.

So, I stopped reading all spiritual and philosophical books, as I wanted real answers from real people instead of this bookish knowledge.

I started visiting all religious centres like temples, monasteries, churches, mosques and gurudwaras, etc. to find the truth. I even visited each and every nearby well-known Gurus, religious sects, spiritual cults to satisfy my urge, but all they were able to offer me was borrowed vague verses from ancient scriptures and self-torturing practices.

Finally, after six months of futile wandering and pursuit, one day I gave up my entire quest. I restarted drinking continuously all through the day except when I was not sleeping. Intoxication became my escape as it helped me to forget myself.

Although Muskaan managed to put up a nice and brave mask in front of me, deep down in her heart, she was really upset with me. Soon, she reached her saturation point of frustration and one day blurted out the truth on my face.

Sahaj, you know what – during this crisis, my family would have taken care of your apple orchard but the only thing that matters to you is incessant indulgence in alcohol and drugs.

You have completely lost respect in my eyes. You are not the same person whom I loved.

I had thought that the death of your parents would open your eyes. However, besides being a self-centred and selfish son, you are also an undependable shameless human being.

I waited so long to get married to you and settle down in Mumbai, but you never valued my emotions at all. You have ruined all my plans by leaving your job. I will never forgive you for wasting so many precious years of my life. You are the biggest mistake of my life. I even turned down many good offers from well-off families because of you. In fact, I deserve someone much better than you.

So, if you have any shame left, leave Manali immediately and don’t show me your face again.

I picked up my rucksack and left my home without even looking back. Under acute depression, I decided to commit suicide.

Why do I want to end my life?

Because all things which used to give me joy are now worthless. I am still living my life but I don’t know what it means to be alive anymore.

Everything seemed to have lost its true meaning for me.  Every day, with a heavy heart full of memories of my dead parents, I am dragging my life hopelessly. I struggled to put on a play every day and no one appears to understand my helplessness and repression.

Sitting at the edge of the cliff before my last suicidal jump into the river Beas, I encountered many last moment realizations. So, I took out my diary from my rucksack and wrote this last letter.

Truth is that no matter what you are right now or what you will become in life tomorrow…. eventually – in the end, as a person, you will die and disappear.

Death is equal to all beyond all your mind-made distinctions and divisions of life…whether you are rich or poor, famous or unknown, powerful or weak, beautiful or ugly, intelligent or stupid, creative or dull, winner or loser, religious or atheist, educated or illiterate, modern or backward, global or local, divine or devil, celebrity or a common man – In the end, it does not even matter.

Human beings come and go like bubbles on the surface of water. In a snap second, your entire ambitious life story is over and you totally vanish as if you had never existed.  If human beings completely disappear from this planet, life will still continue and flourish as nature is not dependent on humans for survival; rather, humans are completely dependent on nature to stay alive.

Even the most powerful, rich, famous, creative, inventive, extraordinary intelligent people around the globe have died and disappeared with deep darkness in their heart at their last moments on this earth.

Let me quote the last words of American entrepreneur and co-founder of Apple, Steve Jobs – “Whichever stage in life you are at right now, with time, you will face the day when the curtain comes down… Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being – just like me” – Steve Jobs

At the last point of their life, astonishingly, majority of human beings experience the same state of inner darkness and regrets.

Today, I feel that my painstaking fast paced life in Mumbai centered around achieving and accumulating mundane pleasures and worldly things was not worth it as no amount of money, fame or power can bring back what has gone out of my life or save me from my own death.

I never truly valued and cherished various simple amazing aspects of my own life like being alive in each moment, love, friendship, togetherness, relationships, etc. I have utterly wasted my life by assuming it to be permanent, by postponing everything for the right time, by taking everything for granted.

Externally, I shone in the light of my own success, but internally remained in total darkness. In fulfilling my materialistic expectations, I never paid attention to the call of my own heart. I do not know from where I have come and where I will go, but throughout my life, I lived in this bubble of control…as if I was in charge of it all.

I was totally focused on acquiring materialistic possessions which in turn are considered to be the basic parameters of human success. I wish to ask this question to all my workaholic ambitious colleagues

Is this the life you really wanted to live?

Guys! Obsessive workaholic lifestyle is the new normal now. The modern man is befooling himself that he works hard to live a relaxed life; on the contrary, he has completely forgotten that he is living an extremely stressful life which even destroys his existing peace of mind.

Majority of people are ready to go to any extent to achieve their goals in a short span. People are happily ready to sacrifice their personal time, family life, relationships, health, lifestyle and many more aspects of life in exchange of good monetary compensation. In this money-making rat race, everybody is saleable in market. Only the price tag along with terms and conditions are different for different people. Some want popularity, some power, some peace and so on…

Thus, life has become a never ending mad materialistic chase in which we keep on hopping from one relationship to another, one place to another, one possession to another and one accomplishment to another in search of ultimate peace and happiness. Still in the end, we feel utterly lost and lonely and the ultimate peace and happiness remains elusive to us.

Where I am today, you will be tomorrow!

So, wake up and change before it is too late! Now with hopelessness and helplessness in my heart, it is time for me to bid adieu to you, to this worthless and meaningless world!

See you on the other side….

Then I jumped off the cliff with my rucksack.

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